In a startling development, Shri Anand Sharma, the Union Textiles Minister held a late night press conference where he confirmed that RoyalClean, the oldest dry-cleaning shop in Delhi, was being sued for an undisclosed amount in damages. Sources close to us believe the amount to be in the vicinity of Rs 20 crore, the exact sum that was spent by the state exchequer on the recent full-page celebratorials marking the 65^th Independence Day.

The textiles minister was initially tight-lipped on the exact reasons for this libel action on part of the prime minister. However, on persistent prodding, during which one of our reporters – the one who was doing the prodding with the sharp end of his pencil – was hit on the head and had to be hospitalised, the minister revealed that an innocuous stain on the turban of the Prime Minister was the real culprit. Traditionally, a passport-size photograph of the Prime Minister is mandatory on all celebratorials. It can be seen on the top left corner, with the Prime Minister engaged in a naughty smile.

The stain – barely visible to the naked eye – was nonetheless spotted by millions of Indians as they hastily removed the black rubber band and unrolled the newspaper in time for their morning ablutions.

“It was shocking! To see Manmohan-ji like this, in a stained, unwashed turban, when the Congress President can sanction for him the most expensive and exquisitely starched turbans that there are available! What was the Cabinet doing? Where was the Textiles Minister, I want to know!”, said the 40-year-old man – who first identified the stain – wishing not to be named. Agreeing to be named after he was handed a mixer-grinder, a mobile phone, and a rubber-washer for his wife’s Prestige, Malvinder Singh Ahluwalia, himself a proud Sikh and owner of countless turbans, said he’d been cataloguing meticulously newspaper cuttings of the UPA celebratorials ever since it first came to power in 2004.

“What I saw horrified me”, said Mr Ahluwalia, as he guided us to his study inside his two-bedroom house in Vasant Kunj, Delhi. Climbing up a ladder to retrieve from the countless shelves the photo album for the year 2011-2012, Mr Ahluwalia became suddenly excited. “Look here – same turban. Here and here – you see? But here, no stain. Whereas here, stain.”

This reporter can confirm that the two turbans were indeed identical, except for the small stain above the left ear.

When contacted, the 89-year-old owner of RoyalClean denied having any knowledge of being sued by Manmohan Singh. “I do not watch TV, so where is the question of having seen the press conference?!”, said Mr Dhingra.

When asked if the turban had been returned unwashed, Mr Dhingra became agitated and raised his Zimmer frame in a threatening fashion. “This is a conspiracy engineered by our rivals who have recently purchased modern Australian and European dry-cleaning equipment. We are a reputed firm. Ask my father who is inside having tea and rusk. We have been washing dirty linen of politicians since Independence. Not one dhoti, not one turban, not one blouse, has ever been misplaced or returned unwashed. It is the mistake of those printing press fellows, I tell you. Please check – it is a black ink smudge definitely.”

Be that as it may, it is clear that RoyalClean will not be given the laundering contract for the forthcoming birth and death anniversary celebratorials.

Taking a cue from these developments, the UPA government has constituted a high-powered three-member committee to check for any stains in the clothes of past and present leaders who are slated to appear in celebratorials shortly.

“This committee is necessary. We were saved in the nick of time, to be honest”, said the relieved spokesperson of the Congress, Mr Tewari. When asked what exactly he meant – being honest – Mr Tewari said, “A whole new batch of celebratorials was about to be sent to all major dailies this evening. Now we will go through each photograph minutely. The celebratorials might not appear on the exact dates as a result, but we have asked the newspapers if the birth and death dates can be shifted to accommodate the delayed submissions. No one will notice I assure you”.

“All our leaders’ clothes have been laundered by this very old one room shop in Connaught Place – right from Panditji’s time – and one never knows when a small stain can suddenly become visible, leading to people being hung out to dry”, the witty and clever spokesperson added, when pressed further.

As to who might be installed as the committee chairman, Mr Tewari said that, as with all high-powered three-member committees constituted recently by the government – cartoon committee, corruption committee, poverty committee – the decision will come from the High Command. “But this much I am at liberty to tell you: whoever it might be, he or she will be spotless”, Mr Tewari quipped.

The newspapers that had carried the celebratorials were more forthright in their opinions on the controversy. “We print what we get. If there was a stain on the turban, the client should have checked it before handing to us the photographs and the accompanying 3000-word single-space font-size 8 accomplishment essays. It is certainly unfortunate, and our heart goes out to UPA 2. They are doing so much for the common man. One solution we are currently looking at is whether the celebratorial can be guised as a genuine news piece – that way the blame can be placed on the ‘reporter’ who ‘filed’ the ‘news’ report and not the political party”, said an editor of a major daily, wishing not to be identified.

“We however wish to notify anxious patrons that, as of today, we have not reduced our celebratorial rates and we will continue to print them, especially with the death anniversary season coming up. There is no shortage of print space that can be made available for such noble causes”, he added.

It remains to be seen what impact the libel suit will have on the laundering industry, crippled recently by the shortage of water and high price of petrol. The case comes up for hearing tomorrow afternoon in the Delhi High Court.

This article first appeared in newslaundry on Aug. 16, 2012.